Twists and Turns

In the previous weeks,this was my state of being. Suffice to say, it hadn't change much. Pain and sadness still appear at an erratic and irregular pattern on with varying wavelengths. I have asked them kindly to leave however they seem to be in for an extended stay. Bad news. 

A lot of thoughts cloud my mind nowadays. I am somehow disappointed with the way I am handling the present adversities in my life. I know for a fact that challenges and problems are integral ingredients of living in this world. I know they are here to make us ready and strong for the tomorrows and everything in between that lie ahead. 

I would like to think that maybe, just maybe, God wants me to experience emptiness and sorrow to better appreciate hope and joy. I am baffled with the twists and turns encircling around me that I get to be catatonic not knowing exactly what to do. I remind myself of my favorite mantra "Happiness is a choice. Suffering is an option." Does this mean I am choosing suffering? Possibly, so I can better acknowledge the real deal that life is not a bed of roses. And how can I embrace happiness if I do not experience its antonym, right?

I am proud of myself because I don't slip in the deep hole of depression. I am always conscious of the signs I manifest, this is what happens when one loves Psychiatric Nursing. I'd like to believe that I am functioning my duties properly. Here at home, I get to manage chores and routine schedules, I come to work and mingle with people. I make time to see friends, I go out. I do dance aerobics to release endorphins which are happy neurotransmitters. And yes, I am able to bathe myself every day. So see, I am not in the depressed category. I am helping myself to be alright.I need to.I am my # 1 cheerleader.

The ache and disappointment hover around me any time, be it in a crowded and loud place where I exchange pleasantries and coffee with my girlfriends, when I am alone in the room. They stubbornly strike anywhere. 

I hate myself a little for being irritable and impatient with the cross that I carry because there I was before declaring my FAITH in the Lord. How could I say I have renewed faith in Him when I am crumbling into pieces with the recent unexpected events.Arrghhh,Michelle!!! Review yourself.

There is guilt inside me because I am thinking too much of what is/are lacking when I should be grateful for all the unasked blessings I receive. I feel guilty that I pray in a greater length for my own needs and wishes that at times, I forget to ask for God's help for others. I know just how effective and important it is as a Catholic to pray for others' petitions. I tried to calm myself down and made a firm resolve that if there is ONE thing I must not give up, it is the gift of PRAYING. I admit I am now in a position where almost every thing gives me unpleasant news. It becomes harder to pray, thoughts like "My prayers are not answered in the way I want ", or "Do I have the right to ask for His help when He already has given me so much" come to mind. When it becomes sooo unbearable, all that I can do is just converse with Jesus asking Him to hold me tight. I am a cry baby lately. My lacrimal ducts are in an active condition,I cry at any given day. I cry some more when I do not know anymore what to pray for,I'd like to believe that God hears our sobs just the same.I know I do not need to understand everything, I simply have to have a deep,true abiding faith.... that one day all will fall into place.

It is easy to lose in a battle of challenges and drown in the turbulent current of life. I however refuse to. I know that beyond all the unanswered questions and pending wishes lies a golden box of new hope and beginnings for a prettier, stronger and more solid ME. The uncertainty and inadequacy I know will vanish at the right time, they are in the now preparing me to become a more sensitive and rounded individual. Like I said, I can  feel it in my bones that Life is still and will always be beautiful.

Trust. Hope. Pray.