Since I arrived in California, I seldom post photos and update profile status on Facebook, atypical of me compared to few years back. I just did not want to and to let the public have this impression that I am bragging and having the time of my life, coz the TRUTH is, I feel the supreme opposite.
I am lonely. My heart is pierced to the point I become numb.Or I choose to be numb. I would always say "Happiness is a choice." I believe that. America taught me on the other hand that "Misery is also a choice" and sorry, I pick the latter.
I still pray, in fact I become more prayerful here. Worry kills my energy, the fear of the unknown eats me. I lay still and pray with no words. I still believe that God listens even to the tears and sobs of His children. One time, I told Him," Please try not put to test my faith in You too much, I am not really strong."
But God I guess is too impressed with me, He is creating events that bring me bumps and aches. Maybe it is His way of telling me to continue to hold on, pray and hope for the bright side of things to flip their way back to me. Maybe it is His way to show me His mercy and compassion.
In times I cannot breathe well worrying about uncertainties of many kind, I whisper to Him to please, still my heart and leave it up to Him, because I know, I can not survive one more day.
