Lately, emails send from my agency almost trip off my stability. I get one form the inbox and my heart goes tachycardic. I have been praying for this for centuries(exaggerated- just many years), my brothers especially. The continuous progress leaves me catatonic I react in the most confusing manner. I am happy then I get to feel empty. I shout a big thanks to the Lord at the same minute I express my doubt if all is for the good of me.
Yesterday, another mail popped on my inbox. After carefully reading it, I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered for a second if I have bipolar disorder. That feeling of joy that almost everything is falling in the place where I have wanted them to be from the beginning at the same degree, sadness creeps in with the imagination that if in case, all signs say GO, it will be a total, different kind of life for me.
I sat at the chapel, stared blankly at the altar, said a prayer of thanks for the good news received. After a while, tears just dropped uncontrollably. How I hate crying with eyeliner and without a hanky at hand. I stopped reciting my mechanical prayers and just surrendered to the stillness of time and stayed blank. I know that God hears the most silent plea.
Worries of various nature pop on my head lately. Few are even life-turning and game-changing in big big ways. I even have urges of nausea lately, maybe my anatomical reaction to what is happening. So I tell myself, I need to slow down, take time to grasp the events and continue to ask for guidance.
I pray God will always make time for me. Bet He has coz He is the Almighty. I ask Him to relax my heart and let not the progress and processes overwhelm me. With faith that hopes, I am assured everything will turn in the way best planned for me by Him!!
Breathe. Hope. Pray.
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